1. "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
2. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
3. "The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs... one step at a time."
4. "A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand."
5. "I'm not lazy, I'm just on my energy-saving mode."
6. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do."
7. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
8. "I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
9. "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
10. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts."
11. "I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down."
12. "Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
13. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
14. "If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
15. "I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned."
16. "Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."
17. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
18. "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak."
19. "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
20. "Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do."
21. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
22. "The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
23. "I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
24. "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
25. "You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
26. "I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
27. "If life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
28. "My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people know I’m still alive."
29. "When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."
30. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
31. "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
32. "Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything!"
33. "I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat ads."
34. "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."
35. "If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you."
36. "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
37. "A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory."
38. "The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
39. "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."
40. "Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."
41. "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
42. "I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
43. "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
44. "If you’re hotter than me, that means I’m cooler than you."
45. "You can’t have everything… where would you put it?"
46. "I’m not weird, I’m limited edition."
47. "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
48. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
49. "I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time."
50. "Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
Hope these gave you a good laugh!